A Relationship Problem

A close friend of mine, we’ll call him ‘Dan’, came to me recently for advice on what he thinks is a ‘problem’. He has been unable to stay in a relationship for any length of time, and this has been going on for years. He is in his late 50’s, was married once long ago, and now starting to think he’ll never find someone to go into old age with. According to him, this is depressing, and starting to make him negative about life in general.

So, here’s his true story as told to me while on a two-hour hike a month or two ago. I have filled in some extra details that I’d heard from mutual friends, but some of the things he said I’m NOT sure are true.

(FYI: Dan is a ±57 year old man from a big city in the mid-east, was evidently a successful businessman, now retired and living in Colorado. Seems to be happy with plenty of money and friends. Met him through a singles church group. We enjoy hiking and biking together, usually with many other people around. Dan suddenly opened up to me on a recent hike when we got out ahead of the group. I was a little surprised with his sudden openness and got really uncomfortable with the whole thing, and had no answers for his questions. So, I’m hoping SOMEONE will give me an idea or two.) (He’s attractive, for a man)

This is Dan’s story (told in the first person):

We both started talking about women and relationships. Such as: Women – why can’t I find one? Why can’t I keep one?

After a few minutes, Dan got agitated and started a non-stop conversation with himself, except I was there listening to it all right beside him on the trail:

“Was I brought up wrong? My folks stayed married for 30+ years, mostly I think for us two kids. They weren’t happy, but they weren’t at each others throats, either. They did everything for us, including moving to a new town so we could attend the best public schools, maybe in America. Even though it was a hick town. Me and my sis didn’t recognize the ‘hick’ part till much later in life.

“My sister knows how to be in a relationship, she might even be good at it. My dad got re-married, and to his high school sweetheart, whom he saw again for the first time at his 35th high school reunion! Mom didn’t ever forgive dad for leaving her, nor did she forget him, and always thought he would come back in the end. So although there was a divorce when I was 30, marriage and a relationship has always seemed ‘normal’ to me. My family had relationships as a normal part of their lives.
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“So, what is my problem with women and a long-term relationship? Maybe I need more practice. Been married once to the best woman in the world, why she married me, I’ll never know, but maybe I’m insecure?. Marriage lasted seven years, for the last two we were separated. Lived with two others in the last 30+ years, the ‘honeymoon’ period was great, then it got worse and lasted maybe a year, each. Why can’t I live with a woman for more than a year?

Then, the self-analysis starts. Dan continues, and with lots of uhs and pauses:

“This is only a guess, I’m a non-social person. At parties I feel like everyone is staring at me. When I’m around other people for awhile, they slowly start to grate on my nerves. I find imperfections in people that I didn’t notice before I spent everyday with them. I am not forgiving. I am judgmental. Men or women, it’s the same.

“How should I fix it, or I am I OK with the way it is? Is life for me destined to be with only short-term relationships?

We discussed his problems for another half mile or so and then he added:

Well, there have been a few times I’ve been sorry for what I did. At least three times I caused a divorce, or at least helped. These were women who were not happy in their marriages and came on to me. Every time, it turned out to be scary, the husband figured out what was going on. Once, I had to go to the police station at 2 in the morning and tell them a crazy man was after me with a gun. Well, the worst part was I had to explain that the ‘crazy man’ was the husband of a woman I was f___g.

Dan’s question, in summary, is maybe: ‘What should I do (or change) in myself to find a woman I will want to live with?

Answers? Suggestions? Any help at all from others who can’t seem to live with women?