How to Lose Weight: a Two-Step Program

Step One: Fall in love with someone via the internet, then set up a face to face meeting at least six weeks in the future. Now, you have a clear goal and a deadline.

The woman you want to impress must be at least two levels above yours on the attractiveness scale (if you’re a ‘5’, she must be at least a ‘7’, get a female friend to help you with this). The reasoning here is so that you will feel pressure to look a decade younger and a minimum of 10% slimmer than you are now , to even get invited to sit down at the ‘So nice to meet you in person’ meeting*. As the deadline approaches, it will dawn on you that you will also have to produce a sparkling personality – this will be a big help at creating lots of nervous energy, the dread itself helping you lose weight even more rapidly.

Just a suggestion: water is an excellent way to make yourself feel full, and it is good for you. Keep a gallon jug handy in every room and learn to use one hand to swig from it gracefully, rotating arms to build up the biceps symmetrically**. Liquor works as well (Vodka is available in the big bottles), and the big bonus here is it will help you get to sleep.

Step B. As soon as possible after losing the weight preparing for the traumatic event, figure out how to come down with a serious cold. Not the flu, but sick enough so you don’t want much to eat.

Just a suggestion: possibly the woman who just dumped you despite your skinniest physique in 20 years and newly revived muscles, will ALSO transmit the germs to start your illness right away. Perhaps when her manicured fingers briefly touch your sweaty palm at the depressingly brief introduction/ goodbye rendezvous. The same palm that trembled*** for the entire ten minutes while she stared at you with her cold blue eyes, waiting for any sign that you would spark her interest.

Result: The combination of depression at your being dumped after so much preparation and the misery of laying in bed all day will culminate in making you the trim and fit man you remember from your youth.

Unfortunately, you will still be the same loser you always were, but a lot more attractive, so that you can begin the cycle again with a new woman in mind.

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Proof? Went to a preseason camping meeting yesterday and saw a female friend for the first time in several months. Here’s what her email said, later:

‘Nice to see you at the meeting.  Have you been losing weight/firming up/working out? You looked really trim yesterday.’

If you’re female, just reverse roles. Should work exactly the same.

*Of course, there’s always the hope that her photo is retouched like yours and she’s let herself go completely. Even if this happens, this program will work at least through Step One.

**Fooling your stomach like this will keep you from having to waste time reading labels for calories, fat grams and sodium content.

*** Trembling not from nervousness alone, but from lack of any nutrition for the final 24 hours up to weigh-in.